An e-mail to Mountaineer following our weekend in the San Juans during April:
(Mountaineer expresses the deire to become a rancher, whilst I ponder my “mature” self versus my teenage self)
I was hoping we might discuss finding any opportunities whatsoever to help you become a rancher. Why, you ask? Because I am as bored and complacent at work as you are — maybe not quite as bad as you, but still…
As we were up in the mountains, I, as well, caught myself wondering “since when did the girl who insisted that she must be able to pack up her entire life in 2 duffle bags end up at a desk job with a house in the burbs?” Don’t get me wrong – I’m not complaining about our house. I adore our house. I adore owning our own house.
I mean, not that I didn’t always want a desk job – I guess I wanted to taste what it felt like to be “important” but one thing journalism taught me was that I like being out in the big adventure.
So hence I think my complaint is sort of like yours — I think I was supposed to be a cowgirl (metaphorically). So planning trips in-between house remodeling projects is only going to satisfy us for so long. Until our true identity and purpose comes roaring to the surface… or until our tidy little world strangles any inner fire we ever had:
Between mini-trips and projects we suffer the constant bombardment of temptation to fall into social norms such as having kids, a minivan, going to church and getting a bigger house. Dammit — it’s like the ONE thing I swore up and down as a teenager I would never give in to!!!!! And adults told us we’d grow out of our revolutionary attitudes of youthfulness… but I wonder if my youthfulness was wiser, or at least more hopeful, than my adultness.
It scared the beejezus out of me when you said yesterday “well if we have kids, we might need to find a house that is kid-friendly” and I was like — “oh, crap! What happened to our plans to go to Pakistan?!?!” And then it hit me: When one is not abroad, thinking abroad and living broadly, one is stuffed into one’s social environment. Meanwhile my subconscious is kicking and screaming “what are you doing?!?!?! Don’t give in! Don’t give in! Ack!”
And all of this inner discontent gets taken out on Entity A. Entity A doesn’t deserve that – its just doing its job made for tidy little people who wants tidy and secure little spaces to live out their mediocrity.
I guess I’ve decided I don’t really care about that- as much as I like money and I like having a decent-paying job that buys me bunches of shit that I don’t really need in order to distract me from reality, I think I have concluded that it’s not that important.
It’s just utterly stupid to not be myself. Even if poor-dom results. It’s better than boredom and wondering what I might have accomplished had I risked greatness rather than just striving after the latent American dream . Ya know? Do you feel me at all?
Yes, yes I know – you want to hear my proposal to fix this situation instead of just bitching. Well that’s going to require your input seeing as we’re stuck together. Haha.
My initial thought was something along the lines of being a cashier at Vitamin Cottage and freelance writing. But I wasn’t thinking broadly enough. Now I’m thinking more grandly like moving to Pakistan to be covert mountain missionaries or something ridiculously outlandish like that. Living in a hut in Peru with some sheep and our Bibles. Starting a school or a seminary or a church.
I don’t friggin know. What I do know is that I:
a) don’t want a bigger house
b) don’t want to play the big-money investment game
c) don’t give a shit about a salaried job
d) want to serve the Lord directly rather than indirectly and if this life is the training, it sucks!!
e) want to adopt a kid sometime in the far future from a foreign country NOT get preggers and end up having the most exciting thing in my life be the day my child scores a soccer goal or some other bulls*it. That’s just not for me.